When I started this blog, a part of me feared that I would have to write this post. And here I am, writing the post I didn't ever want to write. I miscarried on Thursday. I would have been 8 weeks yesterday.

I'm very sad, having a difficult time getting out of bed and facing the world. I know I'll be okay, I can see that, but right now, I don't want to be okay just yet. I'm sad and I'm not ready to be anything but.

Thursday was horrible. The cramps didn't start until later in the day, with a little bit of brown spotting. I was hoping it was going to be okay, I played a good face at work and made it home without shedding a tear. But once I got home and the cramps got worse and the blood went from brown to bright red, I knew it was over. I laid on the couch curled in a ball, waiting for Tim to get home. When I had woke up that morning I had my hands on my belly and had mentioned to Tim that I could feel my pulse in my uterus. I thought it was just the blood going to my baby helping it grow, but I realize now that's not why the blood was rushing there. Tim was here with me when I passed the tissue. I can't tell you what that felt like. In between my shaking and sobs, I wanted it all to be a nightmare. This wasn't how I was supposed to be having our baby, this wasn't supposed to be happening. Tim has been everything I have needed and more. He has held me in the middle of the night when I couldn't stop crying. He has forced me to eat when it was the last thing I felt like doing. He has tried to make me smile. If it's possible, I love him even more after all of this...and it has made me realize just how badly I want to have a baby with him. My doctor has also been beyond amazing. She called me the next morning to check on me because she had been thinking about me all night, and even came to the hospital to be there for me when I had the ultrasound, when she wasn't even working. I wasn't sure doctors were capable of being so caring anymore.

Yesterday Tim and I went to a tree in a field at a place that has been special to us, and we buried what was to be our baby. It felt like something I had to do in order to move on, in order to get out of bed. Before I got pregnant, I would say how my body wanted a baby so badly, that it felt empty. That wasn't empty. I want so badly to still be pregnant, to not feel the grief that I feel right now. I want to look into the mirror and not see my flat-again stomach. I want to be getting fat and still be dreaming of our baby.

I want to not feel so empty.

Product manual included inside!

I feel like our bodies should be given manuals for when we're pregnant, complete with a troubleshooting guide for when you're not sure what's going on or think something is wrong. I would most often need this section:

5) Pain in lower abdomen --

• a. Look in history and determine what you may have eaten in the last 24 hours. Could something have caused you to have severe gas that results in pain that you never felt like this before being pregnant? If you determine it could possibly be something you ate, wait it out and try not to panic. In addition, keep the sheets down, no one likes a dutch oven.
  

• b. If symptoms include a dull pain, recall the 6 hours you just waitressed and raced back and forth from table to table. Ask tables if they really care if their food is still hot when they get it, or if they wouldn't mind if you just slowed down a little bit.
  

Also, maybe this section:

2) No outwardly signs of pregnancy --

• a. Please refer to positive pregnancy tests 1, 2, 3, and 4.

• b. Are you missing something that usually comes every 30 days or so? If you seem to have misplaced the monthly flow, chances are: you're pregnant.

• c. How are those boobs?

And also this one:

8) Lack of nausea --

• Pregnant women everywhere are angry at you for referring to this section. DO NOT mention this to anyone who may have already been pregnant, or may become pregnant.
  

Websites don't always ease your mind because everyone's body is different. Another pregnant woman may not ever experience indigestion, and if they do, they may not have a pain in that exact spot that instantly makes you think something is wrong because of it's proximity to the growing baby. I need a manual catered just to me, to my body's quirkiness. It's scary being pregnant. I know I'm driving Tim crazy when I panic about every little twitch, when I think that the throb in my right knee indicates that everything possible is going wrong. I hope I will start to feel more confident. I have glimpses of this, where I put my hand on my belly and send it strength to keep growing. I know it's all going to be okay, that in less than 8 months I'll have a beautiful baby in my arms. Then where's the manual for that?

Mommy

My gal is pregnant and loves random names like Sophielillla Jackson and such. No not really, my favorite name so far is Finn. We are stoked. We have a walk-in closet that Court thinks might do as a room for the kid. That's great, we will stick the child in there with the jackets, it will be warm. I like how she's always giving updates on what is developing inside. She's doing yoga which is great, I'm proud of Mommy. We'll keep you updated on when Sooophillilla or Napoleon is born. Or plain Jim.

Tim